I planned various new posts, not sure which one to publish next, but then life decided for me. Like it sometimes does without asking you: “Whether you like it or not, you will post about loss, because that’s the next lesson you’ll have to learn.”
I was always very close to my grandmother. I loved her (and still love her) with all my heart. When she needed something, I would do it for her, I would clean for her, hang out the laundry, visit her, talk to her, bring her stuff I baked, ask her for advice (mostly baking, cooking and cleaning related – because let’s face it, grandmas just know where it’s at), listened to all of her wonderful stories of when she was younger and every Sunday my family would go to her, play games with her, drink coffee and eat cake she or me prepared especially for that day.
Yes, when it comes to people in my life, my grandma meant everything to me and until the beginning of this year she was also pretty much the only person I loved so deeply. No wonder I was always scared for that one moment that would come sooner or later. That moment that would change everything for me. I was so scared that I sometimes started crying just because I thought of it. There was no life without my grandmother for me and now since Wednesday my grandmother is not there anymore… Just like that. From one second to the other…
I’ve never lost a person in my life that was so close to me before, so I had no idea that loss does not necessarily look like you always see it in the movies. I figured that, when this moment comes, I will freak out, cry day and night and it would hurt so much that I could only lie on my bed all day long, doing nothing else but blankly staring somewhere into my room.
For me, in my head, there was always life before and life after that message, that moment of losing her… like BC and AC… I guess you know what I mean. But reality looked quite different: I was calm, just crying from time to time. Life went on without asking.
And now that is what shocks me the most. How distance and this always “ongoing, faster and faster moving life” can make it seem like nothing happened. Sometimes I have to remind myself that my grandma is not there anymore, that I will never see her again in this life – on this earth, that I will never listen to her voice again, that I cannot ask her for advice, play cards with her, or listen to her stories ever again as long as I’m here.
Is it good or bad that I didn’t have a breakdown? Maybe you might say I’m lucky, because I didn’t see her a lot in the end. In fact, the last time I saw her was 3 ½ months ago, before I went to Athens and therefore I was no longer “unhealthily attached” to her, but on the other hand I wanted to see her again so badly.
When I went to Greece at the end of July, I thought that this “Goodbye” would be special. But it was not her best day. She was a bit confused or tired and maybe at that day she didn’t really realize that I would be gone for quite some time. So, this “Goodbye” was not special like in the movies… it was just a normal “Goodbye”, like a: “See you tomorrow”…
It’s not “See you tomorrow” or “next year” anymore now. My dear grandma will be buried today and I’m not there, but I guess that’s really for the best.
I will keep her picture in my mind, her funny laugh, how we biked together to the playground when she still was able to, how she watched us play from that small hill at the playground and was covered with snails after sitting for some time in the grass, how we watched cooking shows together and I explained to her what ingredients the chef is using, how she read our lips to understand and communicate with us and all the surprised looks when people saw us doing that, how she was deaf for almost her entire life, never able to hear the voice of her child or her grandchildren, but still able to live on her own for so many years, working tirelessly, cooking for her loved ones, cleaning and just being there… the best grandma I could have ever had.
I love you grandma.